Having the Tough Conversations

It’s that time in the year, everyone.  You are now finished with your midterms, you’ve got exactly two weeks of classes, and then you’re off for the following week to begin “the holiday season.”  While this is an American tradition, any student attending university in the U.S. will find themselves with the same time off and must fill it with something.  For some, this time might look like spending time with family, for others, you might find yourself at the time-honored Friendsgiving, some of us might be just living our best school and work free lives that week.  No matter what your plans might be, you will still likely find yourself in the position of dealing with, overhearing, or partaking in a conversation that you are not ready for.  I wish there were a better way to explain that, but it happens to all of us, and something about this very special time of year tends to bring out the frankness in people. 

That being said, there is a ton of existing literature on ways to have difficult conversations with people.  They range from very broad to very specific individuals in your life.  In lieu of condescending to you methods that I’m sure you’ve already practiced throughout your life (people can try us, I get it), let me offer a few direct mantras to live by based on two works I’ll be condensing:

  1. Practice the Four Agreements to help grant you the inner peace you deserve when sitting at the Thanksgiving table and listening to a garbage comment from your friend’s mom’s co-worker:
    1. Say only what you mean
    2. Don’t take it personally
    3. Don’t make assumptions
    4. Always do your best. 
    5. Note: This is a very brief re-telling of the amazing book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom by Don Miguel Ruiz (https://www.google.com/search?gs_ssp=eJzj4tFP1zc0SsotSDcoKzNg9BIuyUhVSMsvLVJITC9KTc1NzSspBgDHxQv3&q=the+four+agreements&oq=the+four+agreeemnts&aqs=chrome.1.69i57j46i10i433i512j0i10i512l6j46i10i512.3530j0j4&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8)
  2. If it’s weighing on your mind or your heart at all, it deserves to be verbally acknowledged.  This can apply to having to talk about how your classes are really going, a real emotional check in, or even to address the comment that made you uncomfortable.  Challenge yourself to think on the issue and understand why you feel it needs to be discussed.
  3. The Harvard Business Review suggests being open to what you get in response.  Really focus on what people are saying in response to you rather than how you are perceiving their responses.  This will ideally allow you to say only what you mean (see point A above) when having this difficult conversation, setting the tone for honesty and a judgement free (if that’s the vibe you’re looking for), honest discussion.  (https://hbr.org/2017/05/how-to-have-difficult-conversations-when-you-dont-like-conflict)
  4. Keep in mind that you will get out of this process what you put into it.  So make sure to enjoy yourself and leave room for the exciting unexpected to come your way when you practice the above steps! 

We hope you are safe in your travels, enjoy your holiday, and your much-deserved time off.  Seriously, you have earned it.  Take advantage of the time afforded to you, make safe choices, and we’ll see you when you return! 

By Adrianne Mitchell
Adrianne Mitchell GA: Academic Coach